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Metal No Apologies.

Things Non-Metalheads Say About Metalheads

When sound came into the world, (post let-there-be-light business in a newbie world), it got divided into sugar and spice and everything nice and… Chemical X. The element that made ‘The Sounds That Must Not Be Heard’. Cough*metal*Cough. While metal-heads might be used to all these tart questions, accusations and justifications (or not) by now, here’s some pleasurable venting from a brother, a compilation of all that you must hear from those small-brained-non-metal-head people. (FYI. Not stereotyping here.)

Guns don’t kill people nu-uh. Mosh Pits kill people uh-huh.

For those of you who’ve been living under the proverbial rock, moshing is this wonderful sport where worthy people under the influence of true metal music dance by slamming into each other. No, really.  Here, have a video if you will. It is natural for people to behave in this way, and a study done by Cornell University has gone on to prove people in mosh pits apparently simulate the behaviour of 2D molecules. It is within our very DNA to mash.. oops mosh.

[avideo videoid=”BcQbio_EPAI”]

If Gandalf went the metal way what he would have to say.

Metal-heads are either bald, or have long hair.

While this is a totally unfair stereotype which we will not even dignify with contrary statistical proof (however ridiculous) what if they do huh, what if? Go get your ass a haircut, says ScragglyAndIKnowit 1995.

True Story.

Yeah, over here we call that screamo!

Hell yeah, there’s some noise and aggression in metal. But really, if all you ever wanted to listen to was force-fed auto-tuned bubblegum voices and riffs, the poly-rhythmic breakdown of metal is probably not for you, soldier. But people who listen to the sermons of the underground will tell you how infectious it can be!

Once, a metal-head and the Devil walked into a Bar.

So once a metal-head and the devil walked into a bar, and they mated. On the table top. And converted everybody into their own fold of beast with two backs. Seriously, worthy people. If metal indeed were to be that evil, and had the power to convert people into whatever evil species your mind imagines and fears, then terrorist/pirate hostage videos would have been set to some Megadeth tune (also provided if these above mentioned villains had the same sense of twisted humour as Captain Jack Sparrow).

*growl-what’s that – growl*

Did someone say sociopath?

So you know the stares that a Deathember (read here) tee might fetch you in a public transport system or in a non-metal place. Or if you wear it for a job interview to any place but a metal dedicated magazine. Why must metal get so much hate? It makes us angry. Sure we throw in growls from here and there, but hey, other musicians and audiences have their share of antics, why single out metal? We have feelings too you know, underneath our tough rind. *goatee-black-tee-teen-sob*.

Calling a fart… a fart.

All Metal-heads eat Meat.

Yeah they do. Also goat’s blood and other gory things you can think up. They will feast on you if you have nothing more insightful to offer.

That’s all  for now, folks. To read about films that were made on rock bands, click here. To read the list of songs that predicted Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s break-up click here. 

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